Oh, how I wish the first presidential debate had happened earlier in the year. Why? Because it has caused liberals to resurrect my absolute favorite fake complaint about Donald Trump, the “My child asked me” gripe from Twitter. I’ll get to that later. But first – I don’t care what anybody says. I think Donald Trump completely and totally wiped the floor with his debate opponent, moderator Chris Wallace. And what was with that creepy, robotic, talking Halloween-decoration skeleton that was on-stage assisting Wallace? Couldn’t Wallace have just debated Trump on his own without props or gimmicks?
As you’ve probably figured out already, this isn’t going to be a highly sophisticated analysis of the first debate. You watched it. I already know you watched it and formed your own opinion on it. Instead, I’m just going to make fun of the libs for a minute and hope that you’ll laugh along with me.
There were only two types of people in America on the night of September 29, 2020:
People who watched the first presidential debate because they fully expected Joe Biden to soil himself on stage, and people who couldn’t bear to watch the debate because they fully expected Joe Biden to soil himself on stage.
We also know that as long as Joe Biden managed to go 90 minutes without soiling himself on stage, the liberal media would declare Joe Biden the undisputed debate winner and try to call the rest of the debates off.
And as you know, Joe Biden managed to not poop his pants for 90 minutes.
Therefore, Joe Biden won the first debate and now it’s time to call the next two debates off, according to our garbage media. Why should we try to follow up on such perfection?!
What was with Chris Wallace’s pathetic performance, anyway? Even his Fox News colleagues are ripping on him for that pathetic show of partisan protectionism. When Wallace began laughing at President Trump after Joe Biden managed to mouth some memorized quip at him, Fox News host Greg Gutfeld tweeted, “That’s not a good look.”
No. No, it’s not. Usually a “debate moderator” is able to contain themselves from not laughing at the lame jokes of one candidate at the expense of the other. But not the totally neutral, tough-but-fair Chris Wallace! He couldn’t help but laugh at the talking skeleton’s oh-so-funny joke that the rest of us immediately forgot.
Back in Somalia in 1994, during the so-called “Black Hawk Down” incident that I know way too much about, the soldiers on the ground had to deal with a very curious Somali cultural issue. Somali fighters in Mogadishu would run out into the street and take pot-shots at the Rangers, Deltas and SEALs. Then, when the US fighters would turn around to return fire, the Somali shooter would jump behind his unarmed wife and use her as a human shield.
Chris Wallace was Joe Biden’s Somali wife during the first presidential debate.
Every single time that Trump started to draw blood during the debate, Chris Wallace jumped in and used himself as a human shield to protect Joe Biden. It started to get weird toward the end, when Wallace shouted, “Stop picking on my husband! We are NOT talking about the $3.5 million that some Russian mayor’s wife sent to Hunter Biden while my husband Joe was on a trip to Ukraine!!!”
What a train wreck. It was pathetic.
Fortunately, after the debate was over, CNN “news” anchor Jake Tapper resurrected my absolute, tippy-top favorite fake liberal complaint about Donald Trump – the fake “my child said” complaint. Those are so hilarious! I’ve been missing them the past few months, because so many journalists stopped using those complaints due to public mockery. If you’ve never seen one of those, they go something like this.
Some liberal media figure on Twitter declares that Donald Trump is the worst ever, because their small child asked them a sophisticated foreign or domestic policy question that they had no answer for. For example:
“My four-year-old daughter asked me before her bedtime last night why Trump is so aggressively moving naval battle carrier groups around in the Indian Ocean to counter China’s territorial ambitions in the South China Sea. I didn’t know what to say. I AM LITERALLY SHAKING!!!!”
I love those!
Well, after the debate, Jake Tapper delivered one of those live on air. It was awesome. His “friend in Kansas” had texted him about their “sixth-grade daughter” who had started to watch the debate. But then, the child had to run from the room crying because Trump is literally Hitler and just so awful and mean that his very existence and meanness and Hitler-ness makes little kids cry.
Thank you, Jake! Have these people ever even met a child in their lifetime, aside from the ones that Jeffrey Epstein once introduced them to?
Meanwhile, that debate was pretty awful. I don’t have high expectations if any of the remaining debates take place later (assuming that Joe Biden’s handlers won’t agree to the proposed Joe Rogan-moderated debate). Chris Wallace of Fox News was the friendliest debate moderator that Trump will see this year, so we can already picture how the rest of them will go. And I don’t care what anyone else says: Trump totally kicked his opponent Chris Wallace’s rear-end in that first debate.