Sometimes I remember that it’s my sacred duty to go digging around in grimy places so that you don’t have to, dear reader. This pursuit of truth often leads to some hilarious findings, like the fact that Tulsi Gabbard was raised in (and still belongs to) a weird cult, or that Corey Booker never stood a chance in the 2020 election because he once ripped off Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg to the tune of $30 million over a phony tech startup idea.
Conservatives have been complaining a lot about the New York Times in recent years, so I decided to do a deep dive into the newspaper for your benefit.
Is the New York Times really as hysterically bad as everyone is saying? I mean, come on. Newspapers can morph a lot over time. Is America’s “newspaper of record” really as out-of-touch with America as it sounds?
After all, it was the New York Times that originally convinced almost every state in America to ban abortion. Times reporters went undercover in back alleys in New York City and uncovered the fact that gruesome, unscrupulous Jack the Ripper-type doctors were killing babies in the womb. American readers were so horrified by the Times’ accurate descriptions of the abortion industry that most states passed outright abortion bans, which stood until the Roe v. Wade decision. Yes, that was the same New York Times as the one we’re talking about today.
So, let’s do a sampling of recent Times articles to see if it’s really an “enemy of the people.”
There’s an article titled, “When Did Everybody Become a Witch?”
Oh, dear me. This sampling is not going very well so far.
From the article: “Real witches are roaming among us, and they’re seemingly everywhere. Haven’t you noticed?”
Well, I did note in early 2017 that one of Hillary Clinton’s first acts after losing to Donald Trump was to openly join a swanky coven in New York that calls itself “The Wing.” But other than that, I hadn’t really noticed witches all around me.
Continuing from the witch article: “Witches are influencers who use the hashtag #witchesofinstagram to share horoscopes, spells and witchy memes, and they are anti-Trump resistance activists carrying signs that say, “Hex the Patriarchy” (also the title of a new book of spells).”
It’s not looking good for you, New York Times. The article concludes that now is the time for witches to come out in all their “vibrant diversity.” There doesn’t seem to be any mention in this article of the fact that nations that tend to have a lot of witches, spellcasting and witch doctors also have a tendency to not have nice things like electricity and indoor plumbing.
Next article: “A Racist Attack Shows How Whiteness Evolves.”
Wow! This one is every bit as misleading as you might expect. Here’s the story: Two teenage boys hurl racial slurs at a group of black middle school girls, and then one of the boys urinates on the girls. This happened at a New Jersey high school football game. A more honest headline might have read, “Indian Pees on American Girl, Shattering Narrative about Legal Immigration.”
Yes, two legal immigrant teens from India called American black girls the N-word, and then one of the foreigners peed on the American girl. The conclusion of the New York Times is that this was white people’s fault. Hence, the headline about “How Whiteness Evolves.”
Instead of a thoughtful article about how unassimilable immigrants are incapable of behaving themselves in Western civilization, we get an article about how it’s all whitey’s fault, because the immigrants are assimilating to “white behaviors” that no white person has ever engaged in.
Not looking good, New York Times.
Next article: “Trump’s War on the Deep State Turns Against Him.”
That’s funny. I can remember just a few months ago when the New York Times was reporting that there’s no such thing as a “Deep State.” But according to this more recent article, the Deep State is very real – and that’s a good thing, because it’s going to save the voters from their mistake of electing Donald Trump!
Democracy has failed us, so now those faithful, patriotic bureaucrats in the Deep State are going to rescue us from the 2016 election by “turning against” Trump and helping Adam Schiff impeach him.
Okay, I give up. I didn’t even have to dig very deep. Everyone has been right about the New York Times. It’s irredeemable and hopelessly out of touch with America. No wonder Trump just canceled all the White House subscriptions to it.